| bye |
[23 Mar 2005|05:42pm] |
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music |
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fishing boat song by m ward. |
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i have had this journal for about a year and a half, and it's full of old memories that kind of suck. there are a lot of people on my friends list that i don't really talk to anymore or anything, so i made a new journal which i plan on keeping for a really long time, too. if you think i'm worth keeping on your friends list, you can check out my new journal here and check out that journal's userinfo to add me here. i'm actually going to try and update my new journal on a fairly regular basis, i swear.
i'm going to delete everyone off this journal's friends list really soon, but i'm not going to delete it. all the past entries will be made private so there's not really a reason for you to keep it on your list anyways. i just can't delete this journal, it's so old, it would just be cruel. anyways, i think that covers everything. thanks. <3
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| i want to be simple. |
[06 Mar 2005|05:23pm] |
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my slumbering heart (live) by rilo kiley. |
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sundays used to be so bad because my parents used to fight and my brother would make fun of me because he was bored and i wasn't usually allowed to go anywhere fun but for some reason i am unaware of, they're rather relaxing now. i have the time to listen to my favorite songs, (like this one, LORD.) and take my dog on hour long walks and read books titled "love."
i hung out with my mom today, too, and it was hella sweet! she also taught me to make potato bread "the right way", same goes for some country biscuits and gravy, explaining to me that one day i would have a husband who would want some hittin' grub when he returned from a hard day at the mines. i couldn't help but smirk at that, though. and thanks to my request, we're having some bona fide macaroni and cheese for dinner, so i'm definitely all for that. i feel really yucky today though, but one single phonecall and i'm swell. there's always something to feel bad about but i'm going to completely and wholly ignore it. and i get my driver's liscense back in less than two weeks, and you can bet your cabin fevered hiney that i'm going to be around taking you out to lunch and making you go to some shitty new place with me very soon.
my father told me i should join the army yesterday, though, since he doesn't think i'll be very happy as a college student. yeah, cause i'll be chipper as all hell blasting away some korean people in six years or so... needless to say, i filled out forms for more information today from some okay looking colleges, since it's so important to my grandfather that i go. i just want to be happy and write and make barely enough money for a small, small house and lie on my back on top of your bed that's made and stare at your ceiling as you wrap yourself around my side and whisper. i wish everything, everything could always be that simple.
i've totally fallen in love with rilo kiley all over again. who doesn't love days when they re-discover one of their absolute favorite bands? god bless it.
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| three months until summer. |
[27 Feb 2005|04:30pm] |
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happy by the frames. |
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i thought this weekend was gonna be the suck, seeing as everyone had plans to dance the night away at their school's winter formal to hip hop music and get totally stoned afterwards, (or not or whatever you know.) but despite that, i had a pretty good time this weekend. friday night i watched a really good and sad movie with my best friend and set up some new recording equipment. yesterday i spent the whole day with my family and my brother and his new girlfriend, who isn't kevin lehman's sister, unfortunately. i was a lot bummed about that, but i decided to give her a real chance and found out that she was a really nice girl. she wrote on my fort, which is cool. i liked her a lot and so did my parents and it's always nice when your parents don't whine about the girl your brother likes to take to the olive garden. and today, rachel was so nice and took me all over creation to find a record i've been looking forward to, (which is amazing so far...) and took me out to lunch and it was very nice and very fun and the green beans were particularly the best that i've ever had.
it's only the end of february, and summer is so ridiculously far away that i was starting to feel pessimistic but after a few days of staying up late just to download good music and learning exactly what a minotaur was, i can say that my feelings have returned to optimistic and i'm feeling okay about everything again. i just wish that i could do the same for everyone!! sigh. and i work up with this huge gash on my arm, it was so strange, because i have absolutely no idea where it came from. those goddamn minotaurs, gnawing away at everything. oh, and i finally changed the colors on my journal. god.
i gave shiloh a bath today, and you know what he did, after about ten minutes of finally being clean? he went outside, in the mud, and dirtied himself four towels worth of mud. that little scoundrel!! he's a regular fudge hatcher, that one.
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| who wants to buy some girl scout crack? |
[19 Feb 2005|01:07pm] |
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inmates by the good life. |
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my week included, but was not limited to the following. having a really awesome valentine's day, lisa being nice and loaning me some great records, unwrapping over two hundred hershey's kisses for my mom to bake cookies with for charity, getting stood up for a job interview, eating pear pie, getting an awesome progress report in school, and getting a donut shoved up my nose by rachel this morning.
tonight i am going to see the fantastics at the community theater center and i am looking forward to it because it is supposed to be funny and really cute. i mean, community theater never is amazing or anything but i still like to go sometimes because it's always a great time to see a play and talk about it with everyone afterwards and enjoy everyone's company like that. i am really excited about the whole thing.
my dad is on a business trip though and i miss him a bit but i feel guilty about that because my dad's only been gone a week and too many kids's dads have been gone for years.
i am so, so overly ready for spring. i put my sweaters away yesterday and am now freezing! i am ready for daisys and dandilions and rain and whatever this april, may, and june have to offer. whatever gets us out of this february, this thaw and pollution everywhere. i'm just so excited for grass! and not the kind you smoke!!
rachel was looking through some of my baby pictures this morning and found this and i laughed pretty hard and almost burned the omelettes!
 i'm the one in the pink
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| i am FILLED with christ's love!!! |
[06 Feb 2005|12:24pm] |
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impossible by norfolk and western |
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 last night i saw passion of the christ live and it sucked so bad, but i met the lord so all is well and i'm pleased as punch!
"uh-oh. i think i just downloaded some screamo. that's unfortunate." -rachel
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| i finally learned what the shocker was. |
[24 Jan 2005|09:43pm] |
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set yourself on fire by stars. |
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i've been kind of sick lately and stuff but hey it's okay because i got to sleep from 11:30 last night until two in the afternoon today and i'm starting to feel better, mostly because rachel came to visit me and brought me hot cocoa and slippers and everlasting bubbles and a paint with water book and all other sick-time necessities, and it really made me feel a whole lot better. but it is the flu this time and not a cold so i think i will be out a little while. =/ but it was so sweet of her to come visit me and she makes my life the best it can possibly ever, ever be. <3
last wednesday i saw bright eyes, tilly and the wall, and cocorosie with chase, dave, and brittany and i met some very nice people named jenn and tom and i enjoyed their company very much, too. i enjoyed all of the bands and everything was so amazing. the wexner center for the arts reminded me very much of the beck center for the arts, and it made me wonder if they had toured in cleveland if they would have played there or not. that would have been really cool, too. bright eyes was so good, even better than i expected and i just had the best time ever and everyone was so nice. i think my favorite part in the car was on the way when dave read us choose your own adventure and i showed brittany how to cut out paper dolls. on the way home we all went to waffle house and had the cutest waitress i could possibly think of. chase took a surprise photo in the bathroom with my camera, so i'm curious to see it when i get it developed. i had the best time and going to school the next day was even easy because i knew that it was so worth it and i was very lucky to get to go.
we are doing sculptures in art class. mine is an elephant named george already? it sucks badly. i should show you guys what it looks like when it's done. hahaha.
one last note, everyone who said they wanted to take part in the community zine, the postmark deadline is on february the 7th. that's coming soon! so, if you still want to take part, make sure you're making progress! <3
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| i read cosmopolitan to jessica. |
[11 Jan 2005|05:16pm] |
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lonely by kevin lehman. |
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have you ever spent all the waking, unoccupied hours of the day listening to siamese dream? i'm not sure how i feel right now. i wish that the weather would just make up it's mind already and decide to stay winter or just fall into spring without hesitance cause all this slush isn't filling me up at all. striped pajamas are really great, though, so i hope my grandpa doesn't miss them too much because i don't think i could be comfortable enough to sleep now. on saturday i work in the afternoon and i take tickets all day sunday but if anyone wants to kidnap me on monday i'd appreciate/possibly even pay you to do that. it doesn't really matter what we do as long as it's not stay here all day. maybe we could for part of the day, but not all of the day.
in other news, i learned myself a shiny new scale today, and it is truly awful sounding. but i am glad, i suppose. i like it, so that's good. really good. okay, done. my brother goes back to college on friday and when he's not here i miss him because sometimes he is nice but when he is around a lot i find myself counting down the days until he leaves because he can be really, really mean to everyone. right now is one of those times. he spends a lot of time trying to take embarrassing and bad pictures of me on his new camera phone that he got for college.
the most fun i have had recently was last friday when jessica and rachel came over and we started coloring the fort that rachel gave me for christmas and hopefully will continue to color this upcoming friday. here is a picture to show you our progress so far.
 it is a lot bigger than it looks.
and ps, on thursday i am giving a speech about "why you shouldn't eat meat". if you are a vegan or vegetarian, could you please give me your opinion? oh, i'd love you. (more.)
and, pps, if you feel like it, please, go check out my friend dave and his wonderful music at http://www.purevolume.com/theapparatusofheaven if you like instrumental, multi-dimensional sounds. and if you like it, don't tell me, get yourself moving and tell him. <3
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| yours are the only hands that ever felt right. |
[01 Jan 2005|08:25pm] |
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fall at your feet by crowded house. |
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i miss the days when i had something fun to write all about in livejournal, now i sit here and think about things i want to document for the future that everyone else can read, too. i think i'm going to try to start writing in here more often.
christmas and new years came and went without much difference or indifference, except for the fact it was more days passing, more days going by and i feel awful for not hanging out with kristin like we promised but neither of us called and i got called into work so even if she did i wouldn't know and i didn't go iceskating like i wanted and i didn't get to see anyone i really, really cared about on christmas day but i guess that's okay because someday there will be christmas days in my life where i will get to be with people i actually need all of the time. (ideally, of course.) and i guess it's likely that it's the optimism in everyone that has got me smiling, the hope for this year that my presence will consistently make someone feel better about being there, in a room of discomfort because there are so many individuals doing that for me, and just because i want to be that kind of person. i'd like to be a lot of different things, and patient is one and wholesome is another and comforting most of all. i know it's up to everyone, themselves, to be what they want to be, but sometimes i feel like a character in a book that can't be something because the author just hasn't decided to develop that aspect yet, or hasn't even come across the idea yet. and then i think about it, and i wonder, how self-centered must i be if i feel like the center of some novel, some words someone pauses their own life to read and dissect inside their mind, as if there were things about me worthy of ink and paper. sometimes i feel like i'm worth it when you grab my hand, and that's when i feel like there's a wondeful sonnet being penned, or something like that, maybe. you said you still think i'm romantic, though i haven't felt so for the longest time. romance isn't flowers and it isn't poetry, it isn't even in a kiss. i'm still trying to figure out what it is, so i'll also try to get back to you on that.
the other day when a customer was being unreasonably rude to me and even worse to her well-behaved children i felt pretty awful, but when she yelled at me for something i could not even begin to control, i wasn't even sorry when i said, "mam, i get paid minimum wage and i don't have to take this sort of abuse. i'll get you my manager, if you're going to act like this." and guess what! my manager didn't even write me up. lucky me, i guess. i still like working sometimes because the people are really nice to me and even give me hugs when we trade shifts sometimes and tell me they miss me when i go to my grandparent's houses for the weekend. no one at school even does that. no one in my house even does that!
i got the best mix, ever for christmas. you are jealous, truly. uh huh. seriously. i would be.
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| my mom makes meatloaf all the time!! |
[21 Dec 2004|04:35pm] |
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off with your head by sleater-kinney. |
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since i lost my driver's license to the state of ohio last friday, my life has been incredibly uneventful and i am thinking of committing death by snow shovel, only not really. i miss seeing people! let's hang out! let's do something, anything, anyone, but i can't pick you up or take you home. so therefor i'll probably spend this break watching awful jennifer aniston movies with my brother or worse, by myself, but i guess that's okay. i guess. okay so please call me now thanks.
this past weekend i went to my grandpa's house and it was alright. he gave me his pajamas, and they're striped vertically and a little embarrassing but really comfortable. after three days i've also come to the conclusion that the french kicks sound like phantom planet used to and i don't know if that's a bad thing or not, so i think i'll just remain neutral. i haven't been sad for a really long time so i guess i kind of had it coming. but everything is okay because last night i had a dream that brittany maksimovic and i listened to island time. island time is the best.
so happy early christmas or any other holiday that's coming up soon to you. this past year is coming to a close and there have been so many amazing things that have happened to me, like falling in love completely (that is the very best thing.) and getting my first tax paying job and having a perfect day. (i swear to god it exists, i swear, i swear.) i made three zines this year and started a fourth, and read some absolutely amazing books and went to some absolutely amazing shows. (best one for me this year was probably rilo kiley, now it's overhead and tilly and the wall.) and met some insanely amazing people! (who i wish i could hang out with tons more... </3) and done some things that i never thought i would do at this age, but still don't regret. so it's been a good year, overall, despite the summer from heaven/hell. yeah you know what i'm talking about. i hope everyone's new year is safe and pleasant, and everyone has a happy holiday.
if i had a superpower, it would totally be teleportation. in a heartbeat.
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| it is hard to wear headphones when your hair is in pigtails. |
[10 Dec 2004|11:54pm] |
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don't die in me. mirah. |
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thisiswhereisay: warren, what do you want for christmas? treedmandz: I want my anal teachers to give me the A's I deserve instead of B's, my dog with me in Kent, to stop having smelly feet, a good paying winter job, and all my relationship anxieties to end. But I already have what means the world to me, thats my family and friends who are always there. thisiswhereisay: well, that's beautiful and all but your feet will never stop smelling
I love my sister :D ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i stole the above from my big brother's profile. yes, that's the same boy who locked me out of the house on the deck in the freezing rain for twenty minutes. GO FIGURE.
i'm working on a list of bands that i really, really want to see live with friends here from north ridgeville and olmstead and westlake and elyria before everyone leaves next fall and so far that list consists of the following: metric, xiu xiu, mirah, cursive, mates of state, and tons more i'm sure to be added. and, in an ideal world, the smashing pumpkins and mineral, but i don't think that is ever going to happen. i hope we can check out atleast one of these bands together! (please.)
the last olde towne hall theatre show is tomorrow evening, and then there is going to be a toga party after we all go out to dinner. i don't even have a toga in mind yet!! and mel is not kidding, you will not even be able to step one foot into her house if you do not have a toga on. shucks, someone help me become greek, would you? i think tomorrow is going to be fun. but i am going to play guitar and i am nervous a lot, it's harder to play for lots of people you know rather than lots of people you don't know. here's to hoping i don't blow it. =/
i. get. to. sleep. in. tomorrow. (oh happy day! <3)
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| what the hell is a caustic paste? |
[28 Nov 2004|09:24pm] |
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poor boy, minor key. m. ward. |
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am i the only one really, really sick of the over-used phrase of "gun plus gun equals bang bang bang" or "bang you're dead" or bang this bang that, good god. enough banging, let's pick flowers and make sweet lovin'. anyways, i've been working some insane hours but that hasn't kept me from doing much. i gave a speech on wednesday with the topic of polaroids. i took a picture of joe as the introduction and took it apart to show everyone what they look like inside out and sometimes i wish i could do that to people so then it would be easier to know everybody just as much as i want to but i guess not everyone can be broken down into words, just their structure, like a photograph. and i really, really don't want to go to school tomorrow, all i want to do is sit at home and learn one new chord and sleep in until nine and download neutral milk hotel songs i don't have yet and eat cheerios with pink milk. and this weekend i'm going to try to put up christmas lights but i have to work and do stage crew things for the theatre weekend nights so i don't know if i'll be able to get a chance to but i really really hope so. i can't wait to look up underneath my tree this year, to see the underside of an artifically manufactured tree and wonder if whether or not someday looking up through any tree will look just like this, with the tag peeking through the needles or the leaves or the branches and hope to hell not.
please send your address to me by way of moesill@end-war.com so i can send you a christmas card soon.
i just wanna see everyone's favorite picture of themself. (please?)
p.s. bright eyes is coming to columbus on wednesday, january 19th, and i really really want to go so if you do too and would be able to please let me know soon cause i gotta find somebody else to go with. and tickets are going fast, ugh, so the sooner the bester. <3
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| hi! |
[10 Nov 2004|05:24pm] |
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music |
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eastern glow. the album leaf. |
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the past three days have been pretty hard. crummy things keep happening to me without a break in between them and it's difficult to keep my head above this expectation and this standard and this everything. but that's the way it usually gets this time of year, everything feels like it's falling apart when it's really just falling into place. maybe i could be more action and less talk of optimism but i do think everything always works, especially when there's a will like the one i've got or you've got. there are so many good things on the way and so many good things that have happened to accompany all of this gray.
yesterday i looked up at the sunrise as i was walking into school arm in arm and someone's airplane wrote "hi" in the sky and it was crooked and off center, as though the pilot was new at this type of thing. i really loved that, i really, really loved seeing that and it made my day.
this upcoming weekend is the one of the school play, so i've got to be up in the light booth for a good portion of the weekend. but next weekend, i haven't yet got plans and i really, really miss a lot of people. i want to take advantage of the open space of time and spend some good quality time with um, hello, everyone. so if you're included in that little group of everyone please please please leave some room for me. i'm definitely up for ice skating, if anyone else is. so please let me know, oh thank you.
p.s. i am writing again. (furiously.)
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| black tuesday! |
[02 Nov 2004|05:12pm] |
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music |
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invisible hands. joseph arthur. |
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 someone sent this to me in the mail today, with a note from a typewriter, that said "a little help." with a heart drawn at the bottom. who has sent me this, might i ask? anyone, anyone at all? this is peculiar. i think mister washington belongs to someone else! (no seriously thanks for the dolla. free dollaz. whoo. <3)
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| i am maureen sill and i approved this message. |
[31 Oct 2004|04:37pm] |
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the professor. damien rice. |
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tonight i am taking my three year old cousin trick or treating. she was going to be a cat, but now she is a witch. pesky little kids and their preferences, tsk. halloween seriously needs to end, my house smells like hot pumpkin pie and i got the living daylights scared out of me last night! can you say nerves of fury?! i can't, because my mouth can't form the words. oh my. some holiday this has been, the leaves are really coming off those trees fast and i couldn't be any more obsessed with them, i don't think. i already wish fall would start over because it's been so beautiful and it's hard to accept the fact that i have to wait a whole year to see them like they were again.
treedmandz: dont tell mom this... oh, i miss my brother. =(
i've also decided that there are almost no good shows coming to cleveland soon. which i guess is good, seeing as i will have absolutely no spare change for the next couple of months. and to make matters worse, christmas is coming. =/ oh boy. so if anyone is doing something that is free or really cheap, please include me, because i won't be able to do anything where it costs money. thank you kindly.
staying up late in your room listening to yo la tengo was a memory i will hold dearly for a very, very long time.
 yes, that is a harmonica, and yes, i have the best best friend in the world.
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| how am i not myself? |
[23 Oct 2004|11:53pm] |
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ohio. damien jurado. |
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so this morning a little after ten as i'm driving down the road beneath a tree that leans over the street like a blanket that only comes up to underneath your arms, and something falls slowly down onto my windshield. i scream and slam on the breaks, thinking that this acrobatic imposter is a free-falling radical squirrel. instead, it is a leaf and i grin ridiculously wide, laughing at myself. (needless to say, both the leaf and i survived the experience.) it is now officially autumn.
last night i saw i heart huckabees with victor (for free because i am sweet.) and he is doing better and i am doing better and he brought swedish fish in his pockets inside of ziplock bags and he shared some with me and we talked a whole lot. he said that he broke his edge with liquor and cigarettes and ate a cheeseburger the other day but it doesn't matter because he's happier and some people who smoke and drink and eat from burger king are happy and unhappy but they don't matter within his relationship with himself if that made any sense to me and it did so i told him so. after the movie he drove me home and told me all about how he got to go to billy corgan's book signing on wednesday and i told him how jealous i was because i had volunteered too much in advance to have been able to go too. silly billy. then when i was home i called rachel and told her about beautiful things the movie made me think and how pretty i thought everything in it was and she said she wanted to see it because she and i usually like the same kind of movies, i think. so today after work i picked her up and we went on a walk in the park and looked at all sorts of pretty leaves and went to go see i heart huckabees (again for free because i am still sweet despite the squirrel ordeal.) and it was even better this time even though there were a lot more people there. i highly suggest seeing that movie, and if you don't like it you can stab me in the lungs with a pitchfork okay. okay.
oh my god not to go off topic, but my brother is joining a fraternity and it is so, so bizarre. i'm not sure what to think!! egh!
and i promise that i will always be careful driving myself home, dear.
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| and the leaves, they get too old to stay. |
[17 Oct 2004|03:17pm] |
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music |
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something to do with my hands. her space holiday. |
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i miss some people, but hopefully i will see them again soon. when there is a will, i will see people who live in other towns! among these people, to my surprise/unsurprise is my brother who is still away at college and still not giving up! he has phoned me a lot and we've sent a couple emails. i am mailing him a mix cd tomorrow. he said he is going to take me to see jimmy eat world in columbus this november since they are not coming to cleveland and since i haven't seen them since the eighth grade. my brother, no wonder, is definitely missed. <3
at work there is an elderly man named roy who takes movie tickets and that is his job. he kisses me on the cheek every time i come in and every time i leave and yesterday he bought me a milkshake. he swears incessantly and said that i could kick some ass. i really, really like him a lot. he calls me sweetie and saves me the old film from the projection room to hold up to the light and look at and make art out of. roy might take steven's place soon, we will see.
autumn is the best season to me, even though i can't wait to go sledding and ice skating and have more cocoa than ever, ever before.
 this is a mystical tree, that is rachel's and mine. everyone, and i mean, everyone should have one.
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| chamelon. |
[13 Oct 2004|06:02pm] |
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got my list. onelinedrawing. |
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sometimes it feels like all that really matters is long letters and hugs, and whether or not you're getting them from the right people. sometimes it seems like even though i'll be the only one that i really know at school next year, i'm not going to be lonely as much as i am when you're in another room in the same building. sometimes it feels like when my favorite bands cover songs that i didn't especially like before, i like it better than i like their own songs. sometimes i feel really small but then you tell me about how your family has thanksgiving at a table full of people that always arrive late, but only after someone has found your grandpa who is probably taking a nap somewhere in the spotless house or about how much you love me or anything, and then i tell you about a few thanksgivings ago when i was alone in my house because my parents were at their friends' parties and my brother was out drinking so i found it wise to listen to kevin lehman for the first time or about how much i love you or anything, really.
a week ago you told me that the colored parts of my eyes separated right before yours after i told you something awfully important. i held your hands in mine as i explained the words and you smiled so wide that you forgot to breathe, as if glowing like you were there in front of me was enough to transfer oxygen to your lungs and mind and heart and to each and every one of your cells. you always ask about my well-being and most of the time i am well but sometimes i am not but it's alright that my voice shakes awkwardly and i mispronounce words because i've read them but never heard anyone actually say them. you always tell me that you think i'm smart and beautiful and that you miss me. and i know i'm not those things a lot, if i am at all it is just a little. the only beauty i believe can truly be appreciated by spectators comes from years and years of nothing but ugliness and confusion. is that the buildup that results in beauty? to me, i think it is part of it. and on top of that, who does not want to hear that they are missed, in particular from someone they are missing themselves?
and my heart's always exploding straight outta my chest every time i scribble you any words at all and i can't believe no one else can hear it and i can't believe no one else can hear it and i can't believe yours is too.
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| ohhhhhhm. |
[08 Oct 2004|02:33pm] |
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music |
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coastal hymn. les savy fav. |
] |
tonight i start my new job. i'm working at the little movie theater over in elyria now, serving overpriced popcorn and sno-caps to you on your way to see the new flicks and makeout with your boyfriends and girlfriends in the very back of the theatre. umok. and i think i am one of the only people i know that isn't going to go see the faint and the fever play tonight at the grog. i despise the faint. really, don't throw shit at me now.
and i fucked myself over financially yesterday for the next couple of months. ohhhh boy. it was scary, let me tell you. and there is dog slobber ALL OVER my car windows.
it's really, really seriously cool when people write you letters that are sweet and make you smile from ear to ear, ex-specially in school during a rough course of the day. hey hey, thanks for those nice little loopy papers, they made my day yesterday. and it was mega cool that north ridgeville high decided to trash the books today and let us sleep in, that was killer. and i think i may be attending the john kerry rally nearby tomorrow morning? if you'd like to come, i have some extra tickets. otherwise, i'm going to be wandering the premesis of patriotic bumper stickers and litter by myself.
someday, someday.
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